From Last Week

As I continue to ask the people in my dreams about God, I found myself outside a very nice, old Victorian style house. The sun was coming through one of the windows, and the grounds around the home was full with beautiful trees. It certainly seemed to be a local that of somewhere in the Southern American states, given the rolling hills and lush trees. I peered through the glass panes on the white front-door and looked around. It was an open living room with a vast area, a black leather couch and two chairs around a coffee table were to the right. The opening to the smaller sized kitchen behind the seating area. I was afraid to enter, and said before starting to open the door, “Is God here? Do you know where God is.” At this point I feel it very necessary to state the fact to any readers out there that about 4 and 1/2 or so years ago, following a particular instance, I…lost my emotions? I, lost my connection, my real and deep connection to God. I started having lucid dreams nightly, and saw demons, hell and even Satan several times. The demons suggested I kill myself, and sleeping nightly ALWAYS included vast amounts of vodka. Even with which, I had to sleep on the bathroom floor with the fan on to get any kind of sleep. Following an actual exorcism  the nightly demons were gone (though they are still there, they do not “torment” me as directly), yet the lucid dreams are still a constant. Over time, I have learned how lucid dreaming works. Not asking specifics (at first anyway, though now I’m able to stop myself from waking up when asking specific questions like names, locations, ages and such), how to literally fall into lucidity by testing speaking and moving my limbs while dreaming, and things like this. I should have started writing these things down long ago, but at least I’ve started now.

Back to the dream. I slowly opened the door and saw four men (late 20’s/early 30’s) sitting at the couch and chairs. I asked again, “Do you know where I can find God?” And the black guy said, “I saw how fearfully you came in here. I would have done it fearfully as well.” with a smile. Another white guy said, “You mean the big baby? Why would you want to go see the big baby?” I said, “Do you know how I can find God?” “I know of about 3 people who can get you there without getting zapped. You get 2 hotdogs if you go see God!” I asked how I can be with God. He lost the snarkiness and said, “Just love Him. Out of your free-will.” I told him that I can’t feel emotions anymore, that I only feel afflicted. He didn’t respond. I started walking around the house, and looking out the windows. The trees were very large, green and the sun looked very beautiful through the window. I sat down next to what looked like a demon/dead person, but he wasn’t scary really. His eyes were recessed and around his eyes were blood-colored rings, and the flesh on the tip of his nose was beginning to fall away. Below his neck was a split, almost as though he was split in half. He had a 1930’s style gangster hat, and we started talking. He said, “If you are seeking wisdom, learn to get the pieces one at a time. Realize that you have natural responses to things that make you angry. Like even if a puppy poops on your shoe you’re going to get upset.” I told him that “I never seek revenge (which has been a life-long truth)” and he responded, “Revenge? Like when you’re sitting at a red-light and someone hits you and kills you and all the thousands of strands of your existence are pulled apart?” I thought he was getting angry so I started to get out of the chair but doing so woke me up.


Sin is important

I am going to start with the dream that I have waited to have since all these dreams began. Starting with my first, terrifying lucid dreams, and finally leading me to this point. A response from God, from Jesus Himself. Leading up to this dream I have struggled with many things, most importantly (and I knew this, but fighting it only continued my struggle with faith), is obedience. Is making the conscious choice, in every given circumstance, to avoid sin.

My visions was scanning over pages, written in English, though only several were legible. On the pieces of paper that scrolled up, down, left and right were drawings of a large complex of buildings. As the words were passing by me site these came into clear view, “on-fence” “commit” “sin…important” “frustrating” “enter the gate” “test…test…test”. As the final phrase was read, on the piece of paper it was written on, was a gate leading into a gating building that was very tall, and featured architecture not seen in our modern world, but was made of what seemed to be primitive materials. I was then looking at a stone doorway, and I heard a preacher speaking and he said, “The air of Christ fills many rooms, but there is no faith in Him.”

I cried out to Christ and spoke a prayer of committing my life to Him, and at this a  great amount of evil was being ripped from my heart, following down my legs and out of my feet. Understand that ever since that day I lost my connection with God, my heart has been, I wouldn’t say “filled” with anything. It is the opposite of being filled, it is completely afflicted. I am in affliction, and have been for almost five years. Any and all progress to follow after, or even BELIEVE God wants me to, has been done so extremely strenuously, and painfully, and lonely.

This dream, this dream is the first dream in nearly 5 years that Jesus Himself has spoken to me. I have had demons, non-humans that looked human, fallen-angels and God serving ones speak to me. I’ve seen people made of burning coal, demons working drive-through with as many eyes as a fly. I’ve seen demons in hell. I’ve seen Satan himself 3 times. I’ve been lied to, I’ve had people offer me “a way out of this agony. A simple short-circuiting and it would be peaceful again.” I’ve heard Christ referred to as the “Fallen King”, and God the “Big Baby.” I’ve heard much, I’ve seen much, I’m learned much and now I’m going to share it all. I do it in hopes to bring light to the truth of God. The salvation found in His Son, and call placed on those calling themselves Christians to obedience in living as Christ. Not justifying sin because we’re “forgiven”, while also not purporting that salvation is gained through works. I hope that my words might help better explain God’s truth to those seeking it, and help them understand that we are less alive when we are awake, then we are when we sleep. Evil is real. God, and an absolute truth exist. I pray that all of the terror, and pain that I have suffered would in the end, be the refinement by fire that some are called. I pray that in my obedience of finally telling others of Christ, and His truth, that it would be the working out of the calling and reason placed on me by God. To Him be the glory, the Honor, and praise. Christ Jesus, you are my Savior, the King of Heaven, my mediator, my redeemer, my brother, my friend. God, you are all things good. For me to have taken for advantage the calling placed on me, to remain rebellious and knowingly walk in darkness, to never apply the gifts you have given me I ask forgiveness. I also pray that You would put into Your great use the great things of pain, and hurt, and questioning that sprung forth in my life.  ALL things for the glory of God.

“Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it.”    Matthew 7:13

“”If you love me, you will obey what I command.” John 14:15

“This third I will bring into the fire; I will refine them like silver and test them like gold. They will call on my name and I will answer them; I will say, ‘They are my people,’ and they will say, ‘The LORD is our God.'” Zechariah 13:9

“No one, sir,” she said. “Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.” John 8:11

“To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps.” 1 Peter 2:21

“6 No one who lives in him keeps on sinning. No one who continues to sin has either seen him or known him.” 1 John 3

My First Day

This has been a long road. It was, for a very long time, a wide and open road. With plenty of room for traps, diversions, used-cars salesmen and exits that led to no where. Along the way I traveled at top speed in some moments, others I came to a crawl and broke down completely. I’ve some very close calls, minor fender benders, and one very big head-on collision. Hanging by a thread, my pulse barely beating, I stood outside myself looking on with horror. I knew that I had played chicken too long, and that this was the end of me. I was asked by the Dr. if I wished to give up the fight, I declined. I knew there was a destination I was headed, I was sure of it. No way would I have been able to make it as far as I had without something waiting for me at the end, no way I would have fought as hard as I had to have made it, even lying on my death bed, to just give it up now. I had no idea the fight I was in for, what little I knew about the road I was driving on all along, or just how much I had to go. This is my first day, finally driving on that road, steady at the wheel, checking my mirrors, using my turn signals, following my GPS, and finally knowing my destination. This blog is my first on-ramp towards my goal.