11-28-12

Most of my dreams were just little adventures. Though, the one that is worth recording isn’t really pleasant. I was speaking to a woman who was wondering why I was there. I said because I lost how to love. I told her, “You love with both your mind, and your heart. And my heart died. That’s why I’m here every night.” She looked absolutely mortified. She said, “That’s horrible.” “I know.” I responded and she re-iterated, “NO, that’s incredibly terrifying! What you have told me is terrible” I KNOW.

Last night 11/27/12

I was in the neighborhood I spent most of my youth growing up in. The house I grew up in was at the end of a cul de’ sac, and directly in front of it was a hill leading down to another street. To the right of it, was a very long, and drastically declining hill leading to another cul de sac. Yet, at the end of this one no houses stood. Only dense forest encircling it.

I was at one of the house on the hill (not the big one) leading up to my house. I was looking at at one the houses and there was a younger guy with what looked to be bleached blond hair, sitting next to a motorcycle on the front porch. He was sitting with his back towards me. The front of the house was glass, and you could see a stair-well leading to an upper bedroom as soon as you entered the front door. I was walking around a bit in the street, and had with me a giant, extremely white bed-sheet. It was whiter than I have seen anything before. It seemed to glow. I was walking beside a gutter, but the gutter’s top was about 10×10 feet and the whole below was the same. I was walking by and fell in, and the whole sucked up my sheet. I yelled to give it back, but did so in a demonic growl. I remember my muscles on my arms getting very large for a moment, and I said, “Return it in Jesus name.”, but in a growly demonic voice. My view then panned up over the whole and it spit it back out and it became folded as it landed on the ground.

I was then looking back at the house with the glass wall, yet this time the young man had morphed into a giant alien outfit. The generic type you see with the big eyes, but it was green. It had a very large head and it turned it’s face towards me very slowly. I gave it a welcoming thumbs up, and it tilted it’s head towards me before returning the thumbs up. I then noticed 2 midget sized aliens running very quickly up the staircase with a plastic sledge hammer, saying that they were going to go beat the girl in the bedroom with it. But it was all in good fun, because it was just plastic.

I was then at the bottom cul de sac. The one at the very large hill with the steep incline. I was goofing around with some younger people and acting a bit immature. I saw there, sitting in a chair, facing left, was Jesus. I have never actually seen Jesus in a dream (aside from one long ago prior to my being cut-off) and I said, “Hey Jesus.” He responded, calmly as you would expect. “Hello Nathanael. How are you?” I said, “As well as I could all things considered.” That was it. That’s all I said to Jesus. I wasn’t lucid enough to realize the oppurtunity I had to ask Him if I belonged to Him, if He could fully restore unto Himself. If He loved me, and if I was doing well.

That being said, the very fact He was there is absolute proof to me that, indeed, I am moving in His direction. I am working out what He expects of me. Possibly He accomplished exactly what He wanted, to say hello, ask how I was doing, and let me say hello to Him. And, in that, I am very thankful.

God, thank you for your Son, my Savior, Christ Jesus.

Jesus, thank you for stopping by and saying hello. I’m doing…as well as could be expected, all things considered.

One more from last week

I was outside the church I went to as a kid. I was inside my car, when someone came in. Apparently it wasn’t my car, and I realized this when I looked at the dashboard and it was different than mine. So, I got out. I started walking around and saw a group of very attractive girls in the back seat of a car. Over the last several months I have come across attractive women in my dreams, tried to kiss them, only to wake up. In one dream I tried to talk to one, and she said, “I actually really don’t want to talk to you right now.” So I said, “Okay, you don’t have to.”

So I walk up to the group of girls in the back seat of the car, and ask if I can kiss the one I was talking to. She said sweetly, “No, but you can have a hug” I had become confused by the rejections I had been having recently, and just blurted out, “Are you angels?” They all exclaimed with excitement “YES!!” and threw their hands up and looking at each other. It was as if they were not allowed to tell me unless I asked them. I asked, “Does God love me?” They all became a bit somber and looked sad. One replied, “God always wants to provide you opportunities. He just needs you to be stable.” They took off and I sat on the curb in the parking lot looking at the trees. It instantly went from night to day and I noticed the beautiful coloring of the fall-time tree leaves. A large tour bus with the number “12” on the side drove past me. A man then walked up to me, tapped me on the shoulder and handed me a box of some kind of bread. It appeared to be fried, but wasn’t. It was very pleasurable to eat it. It felt good to chew it, the texture of it, the whole experience was very pleasurable. I woke myself up when I swallowed in real life and my throat was dry.

Another from last week

I was in a large church walking around with my ex-girlfriend. We made our way around the hallways, catching up with some people I know. We tried to keep up with them but they just made their way further and further in front of us, I didn’t really feel like catching-up with them and turned to my ex and said, “You know, I don’t really like most of the people I know.” She said sweetly, “I know.” Continued through a doorway, and made our way down another hall when I said to her, “The biggest trick the devil came up with is to convince people he doesn’t exist.” She winked at me and pointed her finger at me in confirmation. She replied, “You know, I want to get baptized again.” To which I responded, “No, I’m talking about an absolute total change in living life.”

We ended up at the end of the hallway, and up some stairs to a pavilion above the track that encircled the massive gym we were in. On the bottom level to the right of the basketball court, was a buffet serving many varieties of foods. Ashley was smoking a cigarette, and I asked her to lay beside me. She ashed her cigeratte above our heads and the ashes fell on me. I said sarcastically, “Right on my face?” I began wondering how much longer our trip would be, and when my brother would be ready to go. I then started thinking about when we left, and how long we had been there. I thought to myself, “Trip? Where am I going? I’m not on a trip right now.” I became lucid.

I ran to the left and jumped over a balcony, purposefully choosing to climb over it as apposed to flying over it because I wanted to enjoy feeling the ledge and the act of climbing over it. I glided down to the ground and made my out of the sliding doors. I saw a building by a lake with the sun above it, and light was coming out of the building. I ran along the roadway, noticing distinctly how the cars were passing by me and how crisp their tires on the pavement sounded. As I was making my way up to the building, and the opening in the front was coming into viewpoint, the vision started skipping and wouldn’t let me get into viewing range. When it finally did it opened up to a building with no front wall, it was totally exposed. There was a large wooden carving of some sort of flower. There were wind chimes attached to string making their sounds in the wind. On the right wall were a bunch of glass plagues that had different things written on them. I looked over each one and picked one off of the wall and said aloud “I can’t read these” because they were written in English, but didn’t form actual words. Then I saw on a red plague “Psalms 13: 3”. After walking around the lake in the back and began being chased by a log monster I woke myself up.

I walked over to my computer and looked up Psalms 13: 3 “Look and answer me, Lord Jehovah, my God, and enlighten my eyes, lest I sleep unto death.” While as a child I am certain I read through the Psalms, but I haven’t made a point of doing so as an adult. I was struck when I read that verse. There were many implications to that verse. The whole of Psalms 13 is absolutely relevant to my state.

1 How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
4 and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing the Lord’s praise,
for he has been good to me.

From Last Week

As I continue to ask the people in my dreams about God, I found myself outside a very nice, old Victorian style house. The sun was coming through one of the windows, and the grounds around the home was full with beautiful trees. It certainly seemed to be a local that of somewhere in the Southern American states, given the rolling hills and lush trees. I peered through the glass panes on the white front-door and looked around. It was an open living room with a vast area, a black leather couch and two chairs around a coffee table were to the right. The opening to the smaller sized kitchen behind the seating area. I was afraid to enter, and said before starting to open the door, “Is God here? Do you know where God is.” At this point I feel it very necessary to state the fact to any readers out there that about 4 and 1/2 or so years ago, following a particular instance, I…lost my emotions? I, lost my connection, my real and deep connection to God. I started having lucid dreams nightly, and saw demons, hell and even Satan several times. The demons suggested I kill myself, and sleeping nightly ALWAYS included vast amounts of vodka. Even with which, I had to sleep on the bathroom floor with the fan on to get any kind of sleep. Following an actual exorcism  the nightly demons were gone (though they are still there, they do not “torment” me as directly), yet the lucid dreams are still a constant. Over time, I have learned how lucid dreaming works. Not asking specifics (at first anyway, though now I’m able to stop myself from waking up when asking specific questions like names, locations, ages and such), how to literally fall into lucidity by testing speaking and moving my limbs while dreaming, and things like this. I should have started writing these things down long ago, but at least I’ve started now.

Back to the dream. I slowly opened the door and saw four men (late 20’s/early 30’s) sitting at the couch and chairs. I asked again, “Do you know where I can find God?” And the black guy said, “I saw how fearfully you came in here. I would have done it fearfully as well.” with a smile. Another white guy said, “You mean the big baby? Why would you want to go see the big baby?” I said, “Do you know how I can find God?” “I know of about 3 people who can get you there without getting zapped. You get 2 hotdogs if you go see God!” I asked how I can be with God. He lost the snarkiness and said, “Just love Him. Out of your free-will.” I told him that I can’t feel emotions anymore, that I only feel afflicted. He didn’t respond. I started walking around the house, and looking out the windows. The trees were very large, green and the sun looked very beautiful through the window. I sat down next to what looked like a demon/dead person, but he wasn’t scary really. His eyes were recessed and around his eyes were blood-colored rings, and the flesh on the tip of his nose was beginning to fall away. Below his neck was a split, almost as though he was split in half. He had a 1930’s style gangster hat, and we started talking. He said, “If you are seeking wisdom, learn to get the pieces one at a time. Realize that you have natural responses to things that make you angry. Like even if a puppy poops on your shoe you’re going to get upset.” I told him that “I never seek revenge (which has been a life-long truth)” and he responded, “Revenge? Like when you’re sitting at a red-light and someone hits you and kills you and all the thousands of strands of your existence are pulled apart?” I thought he was getting angry so I started to get out of the chair but doing so woke me up.

Sin is important

I am going to start with the dream that I have waited to have since all these dreams began. Starting with my first, terrifying lucid dreams, and finally leading me to this point. A response from God, from Jesus Himself. Leading up to this dream I have struggled with many things, most importantly (and I knew this, but fighting it only continued my struggle with faith), is obedience. Is making the conscious choice, in every given circumstance, to avoid sin.

My visions was scanning over pages, written in English, though only several were legible. On the pieces of paper that scrolled up, down, left and right were drawings of a large complex of buildings. As the words were passing by me site these came into clear view, “on-fence” “commit” “sin…important” “frustrating” “enter the gate” “test…test…test”. As the final phrase was read, on the piece of paper it was written on, was a gate leading into a gating building that was very tall, and featured architecture not seen in our modern world, but was made of what seemed to be primitive materials. I was then looking at a stone doorway, and I heard a preacher speaking and he said, “The air of Christ fills many rooms, but there is no faith in Him.”

I cried out to Christ and spoke a prayer of committing my life to Him, and at this a  great amount of evil was being ripped from my heart, following down my legs and out of my feet. Understand that ever since that day I lost my connection with God, my heart has been, I wouldn’t say “filled” with anything. It is the opposite of being filled, it is completely afflicted. I am in affliction, and have been for almost five years. Any and all progress to follow after, or even BELIEVE God wants me to, has been done so extremely strenuously, and painfully, and lonely.

This dream, this dream is the first dream in nearly 5 years that Jesus Himself has spoken to me. I have had demons, non-humans that looked human, fallen-angels and God serving ones speak to me. I’ve seen people made of burning coal, demons working drive-through with as many eyes as a fly. I’ve seen demons in hell. I’ve seen Satan himself 3 times. I’ve been lied to, I’ve had people offer me “a way out of this agony. A simple short-circuiting and it would be peaceful again.” I’ve heard Christ referred to as the “Fallen King”, and God the “Big Baby.” I’ve heard much, I’ve seen much, I’m learned much and now I’m going to share it all. I do it in hopes to bring light to the truth of God. The salvation found in His Son, and call placed on those calling themselves Christians to obedience in living as Christ. Not justifying sin because we’re “forgiven”, while also not purporting that salvation is gained through works. I hope that my words might help better explain God’s truth to those seeking it, and help them understand that we are less alive when we are awake, then we are when we sleep. Evil is real. God, and an absolute truth exist. I pray that all of the terror, and pain that I have suffered would in the end, be the refinement by fire that some are called. I pray that in my obedience of finally telling others of Christ, and His truth, that it would be the working out of the calling and reason placed on me by God. To Him be the glory, the Honor, and praise. Christ Jesus, you are my Savior, the King of Heaven, my mediator, my redeemer, my brother, my friend. God, you are all things good. For me to have taken for advantage the calling placed on me, to remain rebellious and knowingly walk in darkness, to never apply the gifts you have given me I ask forgiveness. I also pray that You would put into Your great use the great things of pain, and hurt, and questioning that sprung forth in my life.  ALL things for the glory of God.

“Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it.”    Matthew 7:13

“”If you love me, you will obey what I command.” John 14:15

“This third I will bring into the fire; I will refine them like silver and test them like gold. They will call on my name and I will answer them; I will say, ‘They are my people,’ and they will say, ‘The LORD is our God.'” Zechariah 13:9

“No one, sir,” she said. “Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.” John 8:11

“To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps.” 1 Peter 2:21

“6 No one who lives in him keeps on sinning. No one who continues to sin has either seen him or known him.” 1 John 3

My First Day

This has been a long road. It was, for a very long time, a wide and open road. With plenty of room for traps, diversions, used-cars salesmen and exits that led to no where. Along the way I traveled at top speed in some moments, others I came to a crawl and broke down completely. I’ve some very close calls, minor fender benders, and one very big head-on collision. Hanging by a thread, my pulse barely beating, I stood outside myself looking on with horror. I knew that I had played chicken too long, and that this was the end of me. I was asked by the Dr. if I wished to give up the fight, I declined. I knew there was a destination I was headed, I was sure of it. No way would I have been able to make it as far as I had without something waiting for me at the end, no way I would have fought as hard as I had to have made it, even lying on my death bed, to just give it up now. I had no idea the fight I was in for, what little I knew about the road I was driving on all along, or just how much I had to go. This is my first day, finally driving on that road, steady at the wheel, checking my mirrors, using my turn signals, following my GPS, and finally knowing my destination. This blog is my first on-ramp towards my goal.