Back Again

I have been away from this blog for some time now. Up to this point, I have only written about my dreams. While these dreams are something I want to focus on, and find very important, I also want to begin covering other subjects. Even daily journals.

Today was productive, another day activally seeking God. Another day pushing past discomforts and forcing my head down in prayer, taking control of myself and being diliberate in my actions. Not making excuses for passivness, or justifying sin. Yesterday I had two major slip ups, of which I went to God in reverence seeking forgiveness. I feel a building up of my person in Christ, I am beginning to see and identify distinct differences between who I am in the flesh, and who I am in God. It is helping me in my struggle against all the things in myself that crave to satisfy the flesh, and in understanding when I need to hit my knees and seek out God for strength. 

 

12/5/12

Had some random dreams throughout the night. But, after having fully slept throughout the night (and mostly do to my current state of lethargicness) I continued to sleep. I had a series of lucid dreams. Two of which stood out.

Firstly, there was a young woman on my bed, with a piece of paper in her lap, and on that piece of paper were symbols written. Some numbers, but mostly symbols and letters.

I remember seeing what looked like symbols used for the grouping of seperate groups of numbers. Like a { symbol. She was speaking about what the different equations meant, and she said that one was equal to “being addicted to meth.” Another, “Well, you’re just dead.”. And, another, “pure evil.” I saw that she had written out “9-2″ when she said that. I asked, “Is 9-2 pure evil?” She said, “Yes, in this particulare case. But you have to understand this certain equation.” Basically saying that 7 doesn’t always equal pure evil, but in this case it did. Yes, I know, 7 is God’s number. Trust me, I’m just as much along for the ride as you.

The second dream I had I was in a very nice, large house. I was in what looked like to be a large ball-room, and my oldest sister was there. But it wasn’t really her, it just looked like her. She was showing me, again, a group of equations on a piece of paper. She said, do you know what a “*I can’t remember the word*”, and I said, “That’s not a word.” She then pointed at the grouping symbol that, again, looked like } and said, “It’s that.”

I asked her how I was supposed to understand what she was trying to teach me, and she said to “slow down my thinking.” I then told her I was dreaming, and that I would try to come back to where I was if I were to wake up. At this point, she looked at me and her facial expression was like, “Really, man? Seriously?” That’s the only way I know how to describe it.

Anyway, sorry for the lag in updates, just haven’t been having dreams I felt worthy of sharing, until last nights. Gimme’ some feedback if you feel so inclined.

11-28-12

Most of my dreams were just little adventures. Though, the one that is worth recording isn’t really pleasant. I was speaking to a woman who was wondering why I was there. I said because I lost how to love. I told her, “You love with both your mind, and your heart. And my heart died. That’s why I’m here every night.” She looked absolutely mortified. She said, “That’s horrible.” “I know.” I responded and she re-iterated, “NO, that’s incredibly terrifying! What you have told me is terrible” I KNOW.

Last night 11/27/12

I was in the neighborhood I spent most of my youth growing up in. The house I grew up in was at the end of a cul de’ sac, and directly in front of it was a hill leading down to another street. To the right of it, was a very long, and drastically declining hill leading to another cul de sac. Yet, at the end of this one no houses stood. Only dense forest encircling it.

I was at one of the house on the hill (not the big one) leading up to my house. I was looking at at one the houses and there was a younger guy with what looked to be bleached blond hair, sitting next to a motorcycle on the front porch. He was sitting with his back towards me. The front of the house was glass, and you could see a stair-well leading to an upper bedroom as soon as you entered the front door. I was walking around a bit in the street, and had with me a giant, extremely white bed-sheet. It was whiter than I have seen anything before. It seemed to glow. I was walking beside a gutter, but the gutter’s top was about 10×10 feet and the whole below was the same. I was walking by and fell in, and the whole sucked up my sheet. I yelled to give it back, but did so in a demonic growl. I remember my muscles on my arms getting very large for a moment, and I said, “Return it in Jesus name.”, but in a growly demonic voice. My view then panned up over the whole and it spit it back out and it became folded as it landed on the ground.

I was then looking back at the house with the glass wall, yet this time the young man had morphed into a giant alien outfit. The generic type you see with the big eyes, but it was green. It had a very large head and it turned it’s face towards me very slowly. I gave it a welcoming thumbs up, and it tilted it’s head towards me before returning the thumbs up. I then noticed 2 midget sized aliens running very quickly up the staircase with a plastic sledge hammer, saying that they were going to go beat the girl in the bedroom with it. But it was all in good fun, because it was just plastic.

I was then at the bottom cul de sac. The one at the very large hill with the steep incline. I was goofing around with some younger people and acting a bit immature. I saw there, sitting in a chair, facing left, was Jesus. I have never actually seen Jesus in a dream (aside from one long ago prior to my being cut-off) and I said, “Hey Jesus.” He responded, calmly as you would expect. “Hello Nathanael. How are you?” I said, “As well as I could all things considered.” That was it. That’s all I said to Jesus. I wasn’t lucid enough to realize the oppurtunity I had to ask Him if I belonged to Him, if He could fully restore unto Himself. If He loved me, and if I was doing well.

That being said, the very fact He was there is absolute proof to me that, indeed, I am moving in His direction. I am working out what He expects of me. Possibly He accomplished exactly what He wanted, to say hello, ask how I was doing, and let me say hello to Him. And, in that, I am very thankful.

God, thank you for your Son, my Savior, Christ Jesus.

Jesus, thank you for stopping by and saying hello. I’m doing…as well as could be expected, all things considered.

One more from last week

I was outside the church I went to as a kid. I was inside my car, when someone came in. Apparently it wasn’t my car, and I realized this when I looked at the dashboard and it was different than mine. So, I got out. I started walking around and saw a group of very attractive girls in the back seat of a car. Over the last several months I have come across attractive women in my dreams, tried to kiss them, only to wake up. In one dream I tried to talk to one, and she said, “I actually really don’t want to talk to you right now.” So I said, “Okay, you don’t have to.”

So I walk up to the group of girls in the back seat of the car, and ask if I can kiss the one I was talking to. She said sweetly, “No, but you can have a hug” I had become confused by the rejections I had been having recently, and just blurted out, “Are you angels?” They all exclaimed with excitement “YES!!” and threw their hands up and looking at each other. It was as if they were not allowed to tell me unless I asked them. I asked, “Does God love me?” They all became a bit somber and looked sad. One replied, “God always wants to provide you opportunities. He just needs you to be stable.” They took off and I sat on the curb in the parking lot looking at the trees. It instantly went from night to day and I noticed the beautiful coloring of the fall-time tree leaves. A large tour bus with the number “12″ on the side drove past me. A man then walked up to me, tapped me on the shoulder and handed me a box of some kind of bread. It appeared to be fried, but wasn’t. It was very pleasurable to eat it. It felt good to chew it, the texture of it, the whole experience was very pleasurable. I woke myself up when I swallowed in real life and my throat was dry.

Another from last week

I was in a large church walking around with my ex-girlfriend. We made our way around the hallways, catching up with some people I know. We tried to keep up with them but they just made their way further and further in front of us, I didn’t really feel like catching-up with them and turned to my ex and said, “You know, I don’t really like most of the people I know.” She said sweetly, “I know.” Continued through a doorway, and made our way down another hall when I said to her, “The biggest trick the devil came up with is to convince people he doesn’t exist.” She winked at me and pointed her finger at me in confirmation. She replied, “You know, I want to get baptized again.” To which I responded, “No, I’m talking about an absolute total change in living life.”

We ended up at the end of the hallway, and up some stairs to a pavilion above the track that encircled the massive gym we were in. On the bottom level to the right of the basketball court, was a buffet serving many varieties of foods. Ashley was smoking a cigarette, and I asked her to lay beside me. She ashed her cigeratte above our heads and the ashes fell on me. I said sarcastically, “Right on my face?” I began wondering how much longer our trip would be, and when my brother would be ready to go. I then started thinking about when we left, and how long we had been there. I thought to myself, “Trip? Where am I going? I’m not on a trip right now.” I became lucid.

I ran to the left and jumped over a balcony, purposefully choosing to climb over it as apposed to flying over it because I wanted to enjoy feeling the ledge and the act of climbing over it. I glided down to the ground and made my out of the sliding doors. I saw a building by a lake with the sun above it, and light was coming out of the building. I ran along the roadway, noticing distinctly how the cars were passing by me and how crisp their tires on the pavement sounded. As I was making my way up to the building, and the opening in the front was coming into viewpoint, the vision started skipping and wouldn’t let me get into viewing range. When it finally did it opened up to a building with no front wall, it was totally exposed. There was a large wooden carving of some sort of flower. There were wind chimes attached to string making their sounds in the wind. On the right wall were a bunch of glass plagues that had different things written on them. I looked over each one and picked one off of the wall and said aloud “I can’t read these” because they were written in English, but didn’t form actual words. Then I saw on a red plague “Psalms 13: 3″. After walking around the lake in the back and began being chased by a log monster I woke myself up.

I walked over to my computer and looked up Psalms 13: 3 “Look and answer me, Lord Jehovah, my God, and enlighten my eyes, lest I sleep unto death.” While as a child I am certain I read through the Psalms, but I haven’t made a point of doing so as an adult. I was struck when I read that verse. There were many implications to that verse. The whole of Psalms 13 is absolutely relevant to my state.

1 How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
4 and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing the Lord’s praise,
for he has been good to me.

From Last Week

As I continue to ask the people in my dreams about God, I found myself outside a very nice, old Victorian style house. The sun was coming through one of the windows, and the grounds around the home was full with beautiful trees. It certainly seemed to be a local that of somewhere in the Southern American states, given the rolling hills and lush trees. I peered through the glass panes on the white front-door and looked around. It was an open living room with a vast area, a black leather couch and two chairs around a coffee table were to the right. The opening to the smaller sized kitchen behind the seating area. I was afraid to enter, and said before starting to open the door, “Is God here? Do you know where God is.” At this point I feel it very necessary to state the fact to any readers out there that about 4 and 1/2 or so years ago, following a particular instance, I…lost my emotions? I, lost my connection, my real and deep connection to God. I started having lucid dreams nightly, and saw demons, hell and even Satan several times. The demons suggested I kill myself, and sleeping nightly ALWAYS included vast amounts of vodka. Even with which, I had to sleep on the bathroom floor with the fan on to get any kind of sleep. Following an actual exorcism  the nightly demons were gone (though they are still there, they do not “torment” me as directly), yet the lucid dreams are still a constant. Over time, I have learned how lucid dreaming works. Not asking specifics (at first anyway, though now I’m able to stop myself from waking up when asking specific questions like names, locations, ages and such), how to literally fall into lucidity by testing speaking and moving my limbs while dreaming, and things like this. I should have started writing these things down long ago, but at least I’ve started now.

Back to the dream. I slowly opened the door and saw four men (late 20′s/early 30′s) sitting at the couch and chairs. I asked again, “Do you know where I can find God?” And the black guy said, “I saw how fearfully you came in here. I would have done it fearfully as well.” with a smile. Another white guy said, “You mean the big baby? Why would you want to go see the big baby?” I said, “Do you know how I can find God?” “I know of about 3 people who can get you there without getting zapped. You get 2 hotdogs if you go see God!” I asked how I can be with God. He lost the snarkiness and said, “Just love Him. Out of your free-will.” I told him that I can’t feel emotions anymore, that I only feel afflicted. He didn’t respond. I started walking around the house, and looking out the windows. The trees were very large, green and the sun looked very beautiful through the window. I sat down next to what looked like a demon/dead person, but he wasn’t scary really. His eyes were recessed and around his eyes were blood-colored rings, and the flesh on the tip of his nose was beginning to fall away. Below his neck was a split, almost as though he was split in half. He had a 1930′s style gangster hat, and we started talking. He said, “If you are seeking wisdom, learn to get the pieces one at a time. Realize that you have natural responses to things that make you angry. Like even if a puppy poops on your shoe you’re going to get upset.” I told him that “I never seek revenge (which has been a life-long truth)” and he responded, “Revenge? Like when you’re sitting at a red-light and someone hits you and kills you and all the thousands of strands of your existence are pulled apart?” I thought he was getting angry so I started to get out of the chair but doing so woke me up.